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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Sheesh, and here we go again

~ Please forgive me for yet another post of such medical matter, but to be honest my brain has been wearing a fuzzy wool sweater for the last week AND the following is the news that is news today. Scrim, scroll or skimp if you like (you won't hurt my feelings, promise they're a bit distracted right now anyways, chasing little flickers of light across the mantle and trying to decide on the next mug of tea), but I promise to return sooner rather than later with stories of my REAL life and not of this whole C business. But for now, honesty first. ~

Well I know this is rather late in the game, but decisions seems to happen either weeks and weeks down the line OR in a matter of mere moments.

The results from the surgery last were partially great and partially, well, partially resulting in the decision to go back in for Le Surgery NĂºmero Dos, which happens to be in a matter of hours. Actually I'm throwing back broth and glasses of water like it's going out of style before my "total fasting" hour kicks in (On a deserted island I'd be the first to go if there was no water. Drink like a camel. That's me.). The super short story is the doctors want to remove a bit more to be certain that the cancerous cells were contained and test a few more lymph nodes, and I'd rather know for sure than be told "We mostly got it all." As I'm sure you would agree.

At first when I received the call from the surgeon I'm was so terribly disappointed. The surgery was so smooth, the recovery so manageable, and I felt so bouyed up by love and support that I expected with full certainty the results to be perfect.

I considered being angry, held that small nugget of rage in the palm of my hand, but after examining it's pocked and burned surface, I decided it wasn't what I wanted and I let it fall to the floor with a sharp plink. Not that I haven't already held it tightly in my fist, shaking it in the air, screaming into the atmosphere, and not that I may pick it back up and throw it at the nearest pane of glass, but not now. Not right here.

It was a first. This strange sense of calm and composure in the face of something that would generally pull the rug out from beneath and leave me sprawled on the floor for hours. But I think the answer I've found this week has been this:

1. There is so much that is positive.
2. All the love that has been given freely to me, all the belief, all the care, all the support that has wrapped me in a cloak softer than cashmere and stronger than wool does not always change the physical results within the body. However, it lifts me up above the swamps of despair and holds my arm steady until I find my footing once again.
3. Oftentimes, chocolate cookies really help.

- The Nitty Gritty Details -
Surgery Number 2
Thursday June 24th at 10 am PST

I've already placed my order (thank you BC) for a Mango-Papaya smoothie on the road home from the hospital. See you all on the other side of a sweet dream and some ice chips.


Joyful said...

I agree that it is important to get it all so it is good you are going back for more surgery. Thoughts and prayers are with you dear Umber Dove. May your dreams be of blissful health and happiness always. I will say some prayers for you before and after my follow up mammography Thursday afternoon. My aunt will undergo full mastectomy on June 25th. So am praying for her too. Hugs xx

Lizzy Derksen said...

It's much better to be sure. May your surgery go even more smoothly than the last one.

sylvestris said...

There is nothing one wants to hear more under these circumstances than "wide margins and clear nodes", so you're absolutely right to go for wider and clearer. As for fasting: I'm sure you already know one can sneak sips of water; this helps at least a little. And yes, chocolate in any form is a magical healing balm!

I'm impressed by how well you're doing brain-fog wise--much better than I did postop.

Sending the warmest of hopes for an easiest possible repeat, enjoyment of smoothie, and unalloyed great news...


Good Girls Studio said...

Know that you are lifted up in many many prayers!

~chocolate chip cookie dough always cures my heartache~


Snailentina said...

Lady, will continue thinking healing thoughts for you. I understand to feel apologetic about this sor of posts, considering your blog is mostly about living life so beautifully, but isn't there beauty in the most chaotic moments too? Don't those moments often fuel amazing art? Most definitely, so thank you for sharing this very real moments and letting us be here for you in the good and the ugly. Can't wait to hear from you again when you're cozy in your sofa, share some of the tea mugs too, I am looking desperately!

emmy d said...

Best of luck for the second round! Thoughts and prayers going your way.

And I bet those kitty-boys are helping with that healing as well :)

MrsLittleJeans said...

At this moment when I am reading this I am startled at the news, entirely proud of you for choosing the right emotions, praying deep in my heart for a clean surgery, skilled surgeons and rapid recovery or better yet for complete recovery at the pace your body likes to...Yes yes, there is no such a thing as overly cautious! Love and hugs to you ...from all of us!

Sara said...

Sending magic hopes & crossed fingers to you this very moment and onwards into soft healing recovery.

Camlo said...

I went through my own "C" word adventure a couple of years ago. One thing that I learned was that all of the love, good wishes and positive thoughts from those who care for me DID change the physical. I believe that to the core of my being. It was a year and a half of worry and stress but in the end no trace of anything and not even scarring.. The healing power of love and kindness is immeasurable.

Many wishes for health, peace and happiness.
You will be in my prayers.

vocalise said...

Prayers your way...

Johanna said...

you will be in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

thinking of you and your journey
and am in total agreement concerning the chocolate chip cookie cure!!! SO into that!
love and light

she said...

love. shield. the rolling tide. light. seeing clearly. grace.

Michele said...

This is exactly was left me deciding to do a mastectomy. I am glad that they are being cautious and that is always for your own good my Sweet.

Tender hugs and love! Michele

The Noisy Plume: said...

Love you.
So much.
Sending you everything good.

blue hour designs said...

Much more luck and positive thoughts and vibes sent your way.... :)

Desiree Fawn said...

Have been a slacker in blog land lately so I just read this now -- but want you to know I'm thinking happy thoughts and sending them all your way!
With love and best wishes & more love on top!

Rachael said...

Popping over from Jillian's blog to wish you a peaceful recovery from surgery #2! Sending you lots of positivity and healing thoughts. I think (just from reading your blog) that you are one tough cookie and will do great (well, I guess you've already done it since your surgery was last week!). Take care of yourself and hope your smoothie was all you hoped it would be and more! Little treats like that are the best.


UmberDove said...

I don't know if I've told you this before, BUT...

You Ladies are the truly the best of the best, the grade A, the sweetest hand-picked, brandy-soaked cherry on top.